


Only human

by maria_caskett



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Framework Trauma, Post-Wedding, no one better than his wife, post 5x12, post-episode, post-wedding fluff, someone had to talk to fitz about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 13:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14045556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_caskett/pseuds/maria_caskett
Summary: "Nothing around her felt unusual. The Lighthouse was silent at this hour, aside from the eventual cracking of the walls; the bed was comfortable enough and she felt warm under the blankets.The only thing out of place was the lack of an equal warm body beside her."Jemma wakes up alone in the Lighthouse the night after her wedding and gets up to find her husband, only to find him alone and defeated, consumed by his own thoughts.





	Only human

**Author's Note:**

  * For [marMAca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marMAca/gifts).



> English isn't my first language, so I'll start apologizing for any mistake you find in my writing! I try to do my best :)  
> I recently wathed 7 episodes of AOS in a row, and some of the characters looking at Fitz like he is now a completely different person in a couple of scenes bothered me. The "this isn't Hydra Leopold" comment broke my heart, and so this idea was born!  
> Moreover it wouldn't be March 21st without a fic being published! So happy birthday to the most amazing sister ever!! I hope you like it, even though it's not your favourite topic. Sadly, the "framework fic" muse visited me today while I was walking, so you'll have to wait to read that one! <3

The clock read 3 am when Jemma’s eyes opened.

She hadn’t had a nightmare since she was too tired even for that, and nothing around her felt unusual. The Lighthouse was silent at this hour, aside from the eventual cracking of the walls; the bed was comfortable enough and she felt warm under the blankets.

The only thing out of place was the lack of an equal warm body beside her.

She extended her left arm to touch the space where Fitz’s body was before she fell asleep. It was cold.

Jemma sighed and got up slowly. She stretched her back, her muscles being sore finally due to something good in her life (oh yes, so very good), and not because of a run for her life or a long torture.

She allowed herself a minute to smile thinking of her best friend’s hands unpinning the enormous white dress from her body; his lips on her neck tickling her and making her laugh, then on her shoulder, his hands slowly going down to…

Oh wait. Not just her best friend.

Her husband.

It was going to take a while to get used to her partner’s new name.

She got out of her daydream and started collecting her clothes, picking up in the process her discarded wedding dress from the floor. She folded it with care and left it in the bag where her regular clothes had been left when she’d changed. It wasn’t made of silk or quality lace, but it had been enough, and she’d like to keep it with her when all of this was over.

When she was dressed comfortably again, with the ordinary black clothes they had found in the base’s supply, she exited the bedroom and headed up to the computer’s room.

The sleeping quarters they had chosen where in the Lighthouse’s level 3, same as the medical area, just in case Elena needed anything from her in the middle of the night. If Fitz hadn’t been able to sleep soundly, he surely hadn’t wandered alone to lower levels, where anyone’s very real nightmares could attack him, even if the crack was currently under control. 

At least that’s what Simmons hoped.

However, she started to worry when she found the computer room empty. Visions of him being swallowed by monoliths, abducted by robots and brutally killed by huge blue men filled her head, and her breaths started coming faster. If he wasn’t here, then where else could he be?

Her anxiety level stopped climbing when she saw the door to the actual lighthouse wide open.

She headed straight in that direction, climbing the spiral staircase without pause, and only stopped when she saw a hunched figure sitting on the top floor. His back was propped against the glass wall, arms surrounding his bent legs. He lifted his head when he heard her arrival but dropped it against his knees again after giving her a small smile.

Asking no questions, Simmons sat next to him with her legs crossed and waited patiently for him to be ready to talk.

The lighthouse was obviously off, as it was an abandoned one, but there was an almost full moon and therefore enough light to see themselves and everything that surrounded the building. While she was there she decided to inspect the ring that now adorned her finger, which she hadn’t had the time to do properly yet.

She loved the color. She didn’t exactly hate gold jewelry, but it had always felt like too much; the silver tone was perfect. And the stone that decorated it was the ideal size: big enough to make it beautiful, but not so much that it bothered her while working. She would have chosen something very similar to it if they’d had the chance. Maybe she could tell Deke later, it might help him feel more welcome.

Fitz’s voice brought her out of her thoughts.

\- I’m sorry I wasn’t next to you when you woke up.

She let her hand drop back to her lap and looked at him. He was already looking at her, trying to smile, although even with the poor light she could see how dark his eye bags were.

\- Well, you were either here or being dismembered by a kree in level 20, so you know me, I wasn’t worried at all – she said trying to lighten the mood.

Fitz snorted at her comment but directed his gaze back to his knees, taking away from her the chance to look him in the eye and find out what was going on inside his head. Her eyes caught a glint in his left hand and a dark thought crossed her mind.

\- Fitz… - she started hesitantly -  Are you having second thoughts?

The engineer’s eyes looked at her again, this time confused.

\- About what?

As an answer, Jemma took his left hand in hers and stroked his ring finger, now complete with a beautiful silver band that matched hers.

\- Wha…? No! – he exclaimed rather loudly, before lowering his voice again – Of course not. Jemma marrying you today made me the happiest man in the universe, as cliché as it may sound. Never doubt that – he finished serious while looking at her adoringly.

Jemma calmed down to some extent and felt a little burden leave her shoulders. However, he didn’t look like the happiest of men right now.

\- Then what happened? – she asked squeezing the hand she was still holding. She continued speaking when he showed no signs of answering her question – I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.

\- I don’t think you could help anyway - Fitz replied after a silence.

\- Is that a challenge? Because you know how I love those – she answered right away. She was not giving up and leaving him here to wallow in what seemed… guilt? Or maybe just sadness.

Fitz took a couple of deep breaths before finally voicing some of what had been troubling him.

\- I don’t think I’m a good person Jemma – he started, his voice shaky – and I’m so afraid that you’ll run away the moment you realize that.

Simmons felt her heart constrict when she heard him; and hot rage against the ones who had played with his mind a couple of months ago boiled in her veins. How dare they hurt him like this? A delightful image crossed her mind, of AIDA coming out of the fear crack and she being able to shoot her all over again. For therapeutic reasons.

She realized she had been quiet for too long when she felt Fitz trying to let go of her hand. Jemma stopped him tightening her hold on him and turned so that she could look him in the face.

\- That’s just... What makes you say that? – she said trying to understand his thinking better.

\- So many things… - he spoke, sounding defeated.

\- Well we’ve got nowhere better to go.

After a second, Fitz straightened his back and lowered his legs, letting go of her hand to run both of his through his hair.

\- I don’t think I have forgiven myself for everything that happened in the Framework and to be honest I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to – Jemma made a move to answer but he stopped grabbing her hands in his– But it’s more than that Jemma. I feel like something of him… stayed with me when I got back. I never thought of myself as cruel or cold-blooded, but now I have these two lives in my head… And usually it’s not difficult to separate what’s real and what’s not, but some weird thoughts I had… I’m not sure if I had them inside the program or out here because they come to me so easily.

He paused to brush a tear that had escaped during his speech and Simmons fought to keep her mouth shut and her hands still, because she knew he needed to get it all out now, before the impending destruction of the Earth distracted them again.  

\- And then there’s all of you, your reactions when I do something… difficult – he lifted his eyes, full of sorrow, to her when he continued – Did Daisy really think I didn’t care if Coulson died today? I was absolutely terrified we’d lost him because of something I had planned. But someone had to go; and he is a trained agent, a good fighter, a strong man; he was our best shot.

\- She was just worried Fitz, and you just said what everyone knew but no one wanted to mention – she argued.

\- And the way you looked at me when… - he let the sentence die and closed his eyes. When he opened them again they where brimming with tears - What was the difference between me stopping those kree with a wire and some physics and Mack killing them off with his axe? Was that so upsetting? Was that something you think I would have never done before? Because honestly Jemma, I don’t know anymore.

He was now fully crying, and Simmons’ heart was in pieces at her feet, broken with each one of the words she'd heard. Fitz turned his head to the left, away from her, but Jemma was having none of that; not after everything he’d accomplished tonight by being this sincere with her.

As carefully as she could she threw a leg over his, sitting on his thighs directly in front of him, and enveloped him in her arms. She held him for what felt like hours, while he cried his frustration, his anger and his shame in her shoulder. And only when she felt his breaths coming in nearly regular periods, she spoke again.

\- First of all, I wasn’t upset that _you_ killed our enemies and obviously saved us. It was the beheading that got a little… gross. I was just… - she started, looking for the right word.

\- Disgusted – he finished against her shoulder.

She chuckled lowly at his intervention (because honestly, the sight had been a little repulsive) and corrected him:

\- Shocked would be a more accurate word. How could that be more upsetting than my idea of burying them under space rocks? We were fighting for our lives Fitz – she was caressing his back while she talked, trying to ease some of the tension gathered in his shoulders - I think you might have become more daring since last year, and we aren’t used to it yet. You were abducted, kind of brain-washed, imprisoned and then frozen for more than 70 years. I think that made you... fierce. That’s not such a terrible thing.

When Fitz failed to produce an answer for a couple of minutes, Jemma let go of his shoulders so that she could look into his red-rimmed eyes when she spoke next.

\- And you, Leo Fitz, are not cold-blooded or cruel or anything like that – Jemma said fervently -  You are a kind person. You are awkward when you’re around someone new, grumpy when there’s a problem you have yet to solve and helpful when someone might need you. You are a resourceful engineer, a thoughtful lover, a young genius and a great friend. And those Fitz, are only some of the things that make you _you_ , because human beings are infinitely more complex. But I’d never use the word cruel to describe you.

He was looking at her with his eyes still clouded and she felt like she might be the one to start crying now, but she took a shaky breath and held her tears at bay, because he needed to hear what she had to say.

\- There’s no he and no you. The Doctor was not and will never be real, there’s only you.

\- Maybe he isn’t real, but he could’ve been, I have it in me – he insisted, his eyes full of sorrow.

\- You can’t live thinking of everything you could’ve been or could’ve done, it’ll drive you crazy – she tried to reason with him and continued when he didn’t meet her eyes – You just saw a very manipulated version of something that could have resembled your life in other circumstances. But those circumstances were never real, and you never became him.

Fitz was now looking at her, but he looked pensive, as though he was trying to find a breach in her argument. His hands had found their way around her waist, and she felt him tracing patterns in her middle back.

\- So, your hypothesis is basically… that I’m a good person because I got lucky? – he questioned raising one eyebrow at her.

\- I _definitely_ did not say that – she said indignant.

\- Uh… Yes, you did.

\- Well, elaborate you reasoning then -  she answered stubbornly as she would have had they been investigating a new phenomenon.

\- I was not subjected to the aforementioned circumstances because of sheer luck, because one day my father got drunk and decided to leave us alone. Then how does that make me a better person than anyone who wasn’t as lucky as me? What makes me better than any bad guy we have encountered, who probably was just unlucky with his circumstances? – Fitz finished, lowering his head, finally getting out of his system everything that had been plaguing his mind for weeks.

Jemma released the breath she had been holding when he finished. She stroked his hair for a minute until he found her eyes with his once more.

\- Nothing – she answered quietly.

Fitz’s eyes opened in surprise at her response.

\- I’m sorry? – he said suddenly puzzled.

\- I said nothing – she replied, caressing her partner’s cheek – Nothing makes any of us better than them – Jemma paused and smiled weakly at her best friend’s confused eyes - We’re only human Fitz. We have problems, we make mistakes trying to solve them, hopefully we learn from them and then we fight everyday to be the best version of ourselves. That’s what will make you a good person, a person that fights to be good is a better person. All of us have shadows, and we’ve all made mistakes; but we fight to never make them again. That’s what will makes us better than all of those who stopped fighting the darkest parts of themselves when it got too hard.

Fitz’s eyes looked down again.

\- That is a pretty good theory – he murmured.

Jemma smiled at his response.

\- I try to do my best – she replied cheekily- And Fitz I’ll be here fighting by your side every step of the road. No matter where the universe takes us next, remember?

Her husband’s eyes lifted to hers, with so much love swimming in them she felt as if she was the most magnificent thing he could find in the universe. When he smiled, and she saw some darkness finally leave his clouded eyes, she closed the distance between them joining her lips with his in a passionate kiss that Jemma hoped would help him understand that she had no intention of going anywhere anytime soon.

When the kiss gave way to soft caresses and shared breaths, they rested their foreheads together, his arms around her waist and hers around his neck, simply enjoying this stolen moment of contentment. Fitz was the fist one of them to regain his ability of speech.

\- Thank you, Jemma. I can’t say that I just got over everything that troubles me, because I would be lying to you. But… I didn’t realize how much I needed you with me on this -  he said, his face serious but his eyes lighter than she’d seen them in a very long time.

\- Well, someone told me I was your wife now, so I thought I’d try to play the part – she replied transforming his serious expression in a smile as bright as the stars that surrounded them.

\- My wife – he spoke reverently, grazing her ring finger – I’m definitely not used to it.

Simmons smiled and got up, brushing her knees and stretching again. Her legs were hurting like hell from the less than advisable posture she’d been in for more than thirty minutes. She held her hands out for him and helped him get up, sneaking her hands around him and under his sweater when he was standing, making him jump.

\- Maybe you could start getting used to it by giving _your wife_ a massage before we must try to save the planet again – she said getting closer to him, with her lips very close to his ear.

Fitz’s arms sneaked around her partner’s lower back and pressed her against his body firmly, earning a surprised and delighted gasp from her.

\- If my hands were as cold as my _wife_ ’s, she’d never let me touch her.

Jemma laughed, a real laugh in what seemed like a lifetime, earning another dazzling smile from her best friend. She untangled herself from their embrace and grabbed his hand, leading him to the spiral staircase that went back into the base.

Unable to suppress a grin, she climbed down the stairs with her husband close behind, hoping some of his worries stayed up there as forgotten as the lighthouse and thinking about the hot shower she was dragging him into the moment they were back in their room.

**Author's Note:**

> And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why Fitz didn't get much sleep the night before the 5x13 episode! At least in my version of the story.  
> I reeeeeeally hope you liked it! Leave a comment if you have time, and thank your for reading!


End file.
